When I’m dealing with difficult things, emotional, physical or whatever, I write. I don’t always share it, but I always write. It’s how I deal. As some of you may know, my teenage daughter ran away Thursday morning. For the past 48 hours Jeff and I have been living in Parenting Hell, a place I thought I’d been before at other times, but had barely touched the edges of.
Anyone who is a parent and deserves the title knows how it changes you. There is no way to describe the way you feel about your children. You love in a way that you never knew was possible. Regardless of how old your child is, they are a part of your mind and heart that is always, always there. Their well-being is always in your mind and you will do anything, I mean anything to ensure their well-being.
There is nothing like not knowing where your child is, if he/she’s alive, hurt, in danger or if you are ever going to see her/him again. Over the past couple of days I’ve heard from several friends and friends of friends who have been through the same thing. Although you can empathize if you’re a parent, I don’t think it’s something you can fully understand unless you’ve experienced it. Something I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy, if I had one, which I don’t.
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| When you have a baby, regardless of whether you gave birth or adopted, it changes everything. |
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| You would do and give up anything to make sure they're safe and happy. |
It’s as if everything stops. You stop breathing, stop eating, stop sleeping and your entire existence is focused on trying to find your child, hoping and praying (regardless of whether you believe in God or not) that they are all right. Your stomach is constantly clenched as every second drags on but the day disappears. Yet, at the same time, life goes on. It’s a strange place to be and I can only imagine what it’s like to have that state prolonged endlessly, as some parents do. It’s horrific beyond description and I can't express how grateful I am to not have to know what it's like to deal with it long term.
During the past couple of days though, I’ve done a lot of thinking about adulthood. Having my 17 year old daughter disappear made it hard not to. So this essay really touches on two topics, teen runaways and adulthood, although I think they are closely related for obvious reasons.
When do you become an adult? Is it when you turn 16, can operate a motor vehicle (a huge machine that can and does cause death and permanent maiming on a regular basis, especially when operated by teens) and are old enough to drop out of school if you want to?
Is it when you are 17and you can drive later than 10pm, and the court system will try you as an adult if you commit a felony?
Is it when you’re 18 and can vote, no longer have any legal obligation to listen to anything your parents say and you can be drafted and/or voluntarily join the military?
Or is it when you’re 21 and can legally walk into a bar and order an alcoholic drink?
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| Getting a drivers license is a rite of passage viewed by many teens as their entry into adulthood. |
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| Vehicle crashes involving teen drivers are the leading cause of death among 13 -19 year olds. |
When do you become an adult? Is it when you turn 16, can operate a motor vehicle (a huge machine that can and does cause death and permanent maiming on a regular basis, especially when operated by teens) and are old enough to drop out of school if you want to? Is it when you are 17and you can drive later than 10pm, and the court system will try you as an adult if you commit a felony?
Is it when you’re 18 and can vote, no longer have any legal obligation to listen to anything your parents say and you can be drafted and/or voluntarily join the military?
Or is it when you’re 21 and can legally walk into a bar and order an alcoholic drink?
No wonder our teenagers are confused, there are so many mixed messages we (I am using the Royal We meaning our entire culture when I say we from here on out) are sending them about what they’re supposed to do and how they are supposed to do it. It was complex and confusing when I was a teenager and it’s only become more so over time.
Teens today have to deal with an incredible array of issues, pressures, and a non stop barrage of information from different sources which is often conflicting. They are expected to be savvy and able to navigate all sorts of treacherous situations that they really aren't equipped to deal with. The blurry lines about responsibility and adulthood our society gives them don’t help matters.
Teens today have to deal with an incredible array of issues, pressures, and a non stop barrage of information from different sources which is often conflicting. They are expected to be savvy and able to navigate all sorts of treacherous situations that they really aren't equipped to deal with. The blurry lines about responsibility and adulthood our society gives them don’t help matters.
When I realized that my daughter was gone and wasn’t answering her phone or texts, I checked and found out that she wasn’t in school that day although I had thought that was where she was headed that morning. I started contacting her friends and after Jeff and I had driven all over town (along with several neighbors) looking for her, we called the police.
She is 17 and definitely not an adult emotionally and in the logic – consequences arena, although she believes she is. I did too at that age and yes, I know what a cliché that sounds like. Her brother found her phone in her room while I was out checking her friends homes and he was calling other friends. They started calling her phone and he heard it vibrating. She is a smart girl and knew we could track her with it. I doubt there are many teens around who don't know that at this point.
The police were very clear that they considered her at risk and were responding only because she had been experiencing and being treated for depression recently. She was entered into the missing persons database as well as the national missing and endangered child data base. We were actually fortunate in this case that she has been being treated for depression (although, of course, if she had been functioning normally she wouldn’t have run away, it’s a catch 22 situation). If she hadn’t been dealing with this issue they wouldn’t have done anything.
There are hundreds of thousands of teenagers out there who have left home for one reason or another.* Some of them, by most estimates about 50% unfortunately, are fleeing situations of abuse and neglect and some were actually told to leave by parents who wanted them gone or just don't care.**
The others are dealing with undiagnosed and/or untreated mental illness or just confused and unhappy. They are feeling misunderstood and unappreciated for one reason or another. Often they leave because of feelings just related to the confusions of being a teen. Searching for their own identity, finding the line between independence and dependence on parents, fear of the future and/or failure, gender orientation issues and many of the other confusing changes emotionally, physically and mentally that go along with adolescence.
Others leave because they feel that there are too many rules at home and they are more than capable of taking care of themselves without their parents and their stupid rules. Between 1.6 and 2.8 MILLION teens run away every year. More than half of them call home for help or return during the first week.***
A few leave as a cry for help because they cannot articulate their feelings for whatever reason and hope that their running away will enable them to communicate with their parents.
Most of the teens not leaving home for issues relating to abusive and dangerous situations leave behind families in anguish who have no idea what drove their child to leave home.
### I'm going to break here and encourage any teens who may see this and feel like running away to talk to someone. If you don't have an adult you feel that you can confide in, call one of the hotlines available, both 1-800 runaway; and 1-800-448-3000 are national organizations that are always staffed and have lots of outreach help available. ####
I will not go into detail on what was going on with my daughter, other than the depression she has been dealing with for a while, because it's not my information to share. Also, I don't really know exactly what drove this decision and I'm not sure she does. I will say, however, that she is not now nor has she ever been dealing with a substance abuse issue of any kind, nor has she ever been a victim of abuse. She has always had good grades and has none of the common risk factors associated with runaways. She has always had a good relationship with both me and her dad (with the normal ups and downs of being a teenager with involved parents). Being a teenager can be an incredibly difficult time for a huge variety of reasons. With a teen dealing with depression, a disappointment or any change in the status quo can provoke a crisis.
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| Teen Runaways are on the increase. Many teens think that the grass is greener on the other side. www.nowpublic.com/suescheffteenrunawa |
A few leave as a cry for help because they cannot articulate their feelings for whatever reason and hope that their running away will enable them to communicate with their parents.
Most of the teens not leaving home for issues relating to abusive and dangerous situations leave behind families in anguish who have no idea what drove their child to leave home.
### I'm going to break here and encourage any teens who may see this and feel like running away to talk to someone. If you don't have an adult you feel that you can confide in, call one of the hotlines available, both 1-800 runaway; and 1-800-448-3000 are national organizations that are always staffed and have lots of outreach help available. ####
I will not go into detail on what was going on with my daughter, other than the depression she has been dealing with for a while, because it's not my information to share. Also, I don't really know exactly what drove this decision and I'm not sure she does. I will say, however, that she is not now nor has she ever been dealing with a substance abuse issue of any kind, nor has she ever been a victim of abuse. She has always had good grades and has none of the common risk factors associated with runaways. She has always had a good relationship with both me and her dad (with the normal ups and downs of being a teenager with involved parents). Being a teenager can be an incredibly difficult time for a huge variety of reasons. With a teen dealing with depression, a disappointment or any change in the status quo can provoke a crisis.
Although few if any parents who have or have had teenagers would argue that the majority of teens are emotionally mature by age 18 they are not regarded as children in the eyes of the law, unless they are transgressing. At that point we treat them as adults. Unjust, yes, I think so and so does the American Bar Association. Teens don't think like adults. That's the reality. They can't, they don't have the brain function to do so.
My daughter has a family who would and will do anything to find her and keep her safe when she disappeared. She has friends and neighbors who love her and were willing to sacrifice to an amazing level to find her. She had an entire community that came together to find her and get her home safely, for whom I will be eternally grateful, because that's why she came home.
This is the announcement (along with a recent photo of her) the local radio station ran and put on their web page. The local paper put information up on their web site as well. Additionally after all of our friends and family posted info on Facebook there were several thousand people looking for her all over the place. It worked.
WHMI Radio, Livingston County, MI
Not all teens that run away, for whatever reason, have that type of a support system in place. What happens to them? All too frequently it’s a story that ends in tragedy for a variety of reasons. Assault, illness or suicide takes the lives of over 5,000 runaway teens a year.*
This is the announcement (along with a recent photo of her) the local radio station ran and put on their web page. The local paper put information up on their web site as well. Additionally after all of our friends and family posted info on Facebook there were several thousand people looking for her all over the place. It worked.
WHMI Radio, Livingston County, MI
3/23/12 - A Brighton Township mother is turning to Facebook and area residents as she tries to find her teen daughter. 17-year-old Krystin Walker is a Brighton High School junior who has been missing since Thursday morning. Her mother Shelley says her daughter took their white Ford Ranger pickup truck to go to school, but never arrived there and hasn’t been heard from since. She says while Krystin has never done this before, she has been experiencing some depression. Walker says that while her daughter had her hair dyed pink last week, they suspect she has changed it as they know she stopped at a beauty supply store at some point yesterday. Meanwhile, she has all of daughter’s friends and family members passing word along via Facebook about her disappearance in hopes someone will have seen her or know where she is. Anyone with any information is asked to call the Livingston County Sheriff’s Department at 517-546-2440 or simply dial 911. The truck's license plate is BWW 6092. (JK)
Not all teens that run away, for whatever reason, have that type of a support system in place. What happens to them? All too frequently it’s a story that ends in tragedy for a variety of reasons. Assault, illness or suicide takes the lives of over 5,000 runaway teens a year.*
These children (and I use the term deliberately) are out on their own at a time when they are at their most vulnerable. Not only because of whatever emotional, mental or situational problems drove them to leave, but also because developmentally they are at a place where their own estimation of their ability to deal with problems and danger is so much higher than their actual competence. Should we really be regarding 17 and 18 year old teens who run away as adults making a competent decision? I don't think so.
Recent (from the late 1990’s and continuing) neurological research into brain development leaves absolutely no doubt that the part of the brain that deals with rational decision making, consequences and risk assessment in the frontal lobe, does not fully develop until the mid twenties. Just a tiny smattering of the literally several thousands of research studies on the subject follow this piece for anyone interested. This is not an area of theory; it is well and thoroughly documented scientific fact.
“The brain areas that quickly grasp the gist of situations and regulate judgments (specifically, the dorsolateral and ventromedial parts of the frontal lobe) are still developing during the teenage years and don’t reach full maturity until the mid twenties for most people. The adolescent brain just isn’t yet optimized for making that adult beeline to the bottom line.” ****
If anyone out there past the age of 30 can look back and honestly say they had it all together, made great choices and were emotionally and mentally mature when they were 17 and 18, I would really like to meet them. Me, I look back on the years between 16 and 22 and know that I made it through only because of the Grace of God, good fortune of The Universe, Prayers,Good Thoughts, overactive Guardian Angels, serious Luck and so on. I look back and see so many times where I made stupid and/or just uninformed and silly choices and put myself in situations that could so easily have been disastrous, all the while thinking I had it so together. And I was not really a wild or crazy kid. Judging from conversations with other over 30’s I am fairly confident I’m not alone in this either.
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| Teens are known for engaging in risky behavior. Recent studies show that frontal lobe development dealing with risk assessment, consequences and logical decision making isn't fully developed until the mid-twenties. |
Am I in favor of underage drinking? Absolutely not. Quite the contrary, I am in favor of raising the age of consent for enlistment or being drafted into the military to 21. The inequity of the current situation is disturbing to me.
The fact that we will not allow someone under the age of 21 to buy alcohol says that we do not think they are emotionally and mentally mature enough to use alcohol responsibly, a view backed up by extensive research.***** If they are not mature enough to be trusted with an alcoholic beverage, how on earth can we think they’re mature enough to join the military and risk their own and others' lives? We need to make up our collective mind. Either you’re an adult at 18 or you’re not.
All of this research begs the question, why are we putting our youth into harms way right at the very time they are the most likely to make decisions that end badly for themselves and others? The hypocrisy of the entire “adult” question regarding responsibilities, privilege and liability is mind boggling. If we don’t really believe that someone is an adult at 18 even though they are physically mature, why are we putting them in life threatening situations for themselves and others at a time when their ability to clearly assess dangerous situations is not fully functional?
On the other hand, if we do believe they are adults, why are we only allowing them to have the responsibilities of adulthood without the privileges? In most situations, you can't have it both ways, and yet, we, as a nation, do. Requiring the possibility of ultimate sacrifice of an adult from our older teens, without offering the benefits that come with being an adult.
Yes, these guidelines were put into place at a different time. Society was different and obviously there was no research on brain development available. There is now and it has been around for over twenty years. I believe we owe it to our youth to utilize it.
Do I have all the answers? No, of course not, although I do believe there are some very strong arguments for changing the age of eligibility for enlistment and the draft to 21. It would probably be more sensible to raise it to 24, but I don't believe that will ever happen. Equality would also be served by lowering the drinking age back to 18; however, the abundance of scientific evidence on adolescent brain development and alcohol use makes a pretty convincing argument against that.
I know that I am not endearing myself to the many teenagers I know and love with this view; however, I do not believe that adolescents, myself included at that age, are adults. Maturity is more than physical. If you are one of those many teens I know and love and this makes you angry, well, please feel free to yell at me when you're 26 and I'll be more than happy to take anything you have to offer. : )
There you have it, the sum of my recent thoughts on parts of the bumpy transition from teen to adult. Please feel free to share your views.
There you have it, the sum of my recent thoughts on parts of the bumpy transition from teen to adult. Please feel free to share your views.
6 comments:
Very informative, well written. Thank you for exposing your thoughts and emotions. Please publish.
I am praying for your entire family. God is good and brings healing and renewal.
I've been following your story from my friend, Jen Bigelow and whmi. A year and a half ago I received a call that my 16yr old had been in an accident. I went through that same nightmare of calling his phone over and over with no answer. But he had died in that accident. I'm very sensitive to teen issues and had been praying for your family. Your blog is beautifully written.
Hey, Shelley, I am in lock step with you on this one. Most teens truly believe they know it all, and can tackle the world head on. It's so frustrating when you know they don't have a clue about so much in life, yet. How do you get through to them? I'm still working on that one with my last kid. He's 19 now, but doesn't know what/that he doesn't know. Hard to help when they won't listen.
I am so thankful Krystin chose to return. We had part of a day we didn't know where Ben was. He didn't return after getting off work, and wasn't answering his phone. Ended up, he had crashed at a friend's house(both work midnights). We have had conversations with him about letting us know his wereabouts - not to get our permission, as he's an adult, but so we wouldn't worry(and he's using our car). He chose NOT to call us. We even stopped to check that he had made it to work the night before(last time we had seen him). Wasn't until about 6 pm. he finally called. I suspected he was at a friend's, but that friend wasn't answering his phone either. No one else we called had seen him. I wasn't exactly worried yet, but was...concerned. That alone was an unpleasant feeling. They just don't have a clue.
I am so very sorry for your loss. Although my daughter was only missing for a couple of days, the fear was constant and I can only imagine what you and your husband, as well as your daughter, have been though. Thank you for your prayers and kind words.
No, they certainly don't, they just have absolutely no idea what it does to you when they aren't where they're supposed to be and you can't reach them. It's awful.
Thanks for reading & commenting!
Thank you, Nan, for reading and for the comment. I appreciate your kind words and prayers.
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