My TV room is full of teens right now. A bunch of my daughters’ friends who are in the high school musical with her (for which I’m doing costumes – oh yes, my latest full-time job I am not getting paid for and can obsess about at 3 AM) are here. Today was their last day of school before Thanksgiving break. They are watching The Breakfast Club, one of my favorites when I was the same age, which I find pretty funny. A few of them had to leave early due to the Michigan driving law that 16 year old drivers have to be home by 10pm unless they’re returning from a school sponsored activity. A law I am fully in favor of, for the record.
I picked Krystin up from rehearsal at about 6:45 tonight and when she said people were coming over at 7:30 I pretty much freaked out. I have literally done nothing but costuming for the show for the past two weeks because we were so far behind when I came on board as staff. My house is an absolute disaster – I am SO not exaggerating. Thanksgiving is in one day and I have done NOTHING to prepare. Right now I’m waiting for brine to cool so I can put my turkey into it (brining turkeys makes them so yummy – if you haven’t tried it before do it!). So the thought of a houseful of people tonight just about put me over the edge – I don’t like surprises anyhow, I really don’t and I also hate having people in my house when it’s not clean.
My poor reaction to surprises is well documented. During high school (any high school friends I’m still in touch with who read this will attest! Unfortunately.) I had friends show up early in the morning to take me to breakfast a few different times (on my birthday at least twice) and I refused to go. I have actually progressed, I would never do that now and I’m mortified when I think about how rude I was at the time to people who were trying to do something nice. It’s a good thing they are and were good people and much nicer than me.
The fact that I actually do have a group of teenagers in the next room is a testimony to progress in my ongoing battle to be more flexible. I’m trying, I really am. Living in England helped with that, no question. For those who don’t get that reference, in England, when you tell someone, “we’ll have to have tea or lunch sometime” that means show up at my house anytime you feel like it, which definitely took me by surprise! About tonight though, I have to say, none of the kids seem to care what a mess my house is – which is what Krystin said - although they could be just being polite. They are an extremely well mannered bunch – obviously brought up well. : )
To be fair, my daughter did ask me about it beforehand, but it was when I was doing something else and I didn’t really pay attention to the day she was talking about. I thought she meant a day AFTER Thanksgiving during the long weekend. She didn’t. My ‘freakage’ really wasn’t fair to her and I did apologize for my reaction (over) and obviously agreed to let her plans continue. I just don’t do well with last minute stuff; I’m a planner, big time. I always get things done; I just get them done more effectively if I can plan for it first. It’s probably good for me to have to adapt on occasion because I can easily get obsessive.
I have some theories on why I am so distressed by abrupt schedule changes (amateur psychological analysis is one of my obsessions and I read a lot, which is why I know it’s pretty a pretty common characteristic for children who grow up with a parent with mental illness). My dad definitely has tendencies in the direction of rigid scheduling, which probably contributes as well. I think I’ve taken it much further and so have some of my siblings, but not all which contributes to my firm belief in both nurture AND nature.
I think a large part of it (my problem with spontaneity) is probably because of a deep desire to have stability in my life as a child. Growing up with a mother who often didn’t deal with reality (rarely, actually, unless reality was happy and positive and kind of like a Disney movie – something I never believed - otherwise, she came up with her own version and woe betide anyone who threatened that) had a huge effect on me and my siblings, as did her tendency to forget about us and leave us places waiting to be picked up, for hours and hours sometimes and occasionally not at all. We walked and cadged rides a lot.
I have tried, very hard, not to pass along my weird issues to my children, I really have. I think for the most part I’ve been successful, but have no doubt they will have their own issues that come up later stemming from their parents, i.e., me probably, I just hope it’s nothing major. If that sounds like a weird thing to hope for, well, you probably grew up “normal.” Welcome to world many of us deal with, the world where you grow up with parents with issues. That’s kind of just the way it is for many people although I do think the more widespread knowledge and understanding of what mental illness is and availability of parenting books has helped.
There aren’t a lot of people who are so well-adjusted they just move forward without having to get over destructive learned behaviors. I didn’t used to believe there were any, but I’ve since come across that very real minority. Personally, I can’t imagine it but I envy it at the same time and I hope my children fit into that group, I want that for them. An acquaintance who is a well known and much awarded professional theatre director told me some time ago it made me a more interesting person and a better actor. It’s definitely made me a more empathetic person. I’m not at all sure that mental instability is a good characteristic for a field where substance abuse and fawning, insincere followers and sharks abound, but hey, it’s good to be interesting, right? Just as long as you don’t cross the line from interesting to “psycho pain in the ass!”
At any rate, the kids have all gone home now and I think my brine is cool enough, time to get my turkey in there and get to bed. Sleep, well, hopefully for at least a few hours. Tomorrow is pie, stuffing, cranberry relish and sweet potato day! I love Thanksgiving and I really do have a lot to be thankful for. Mashed potatoes and gravy rock. I hope everyone has a wonderful Thanksgiving!
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