Teenagers

Just a quick post here, right now I'm spending all my time and energy on getting my online vintage store up and running! My house is suffering and we've had left-overs quite a few times in the past couple of weeks, but although it's taking longer than I'd hoped, it's getting close. After delaying for several months due to family issues, I am really excited about it.

I always keep a book or a magazine in the car for those times when I'm sitting waiting for whatever and I just finished a great book that anyone who has or will have teenagers should read. It's called Restoring the Teenage Soul, and it's by Margaret J. Meeker, M.D. She's a pediatrician, not a psychologist and she has some very interesting points and observations based on years of practice and the issues she's dealt with.
It's available on Amazon for about $5.00 used. Well worth it!

Dr. Meeker makes the observation that now, this point in time, is probably the most difficult time to be a teenager in the history of the world. They get so many conflicting messages on how they are supposed to behave, react and feel from the media and are all too often not given the parental guidance they need. Not through intentional neglect, in most instances, but because parents are too busy giving them "freedom." No, she's not advocating a return to the strictness and ignorance of earlier times, just more parental involvement and guidance.

There are also so many activities that teens are expected to be involved in, the pressure can get pretty intense. Having parents who help them learn to prioritize and accept their limitations as well as strive for goals is essential. Anorexia, bulimia, alcohol, drugs, sexual promiscuity, self mutilation are all ways teens attempt to self medicate for feelings of inadequacy, frustration, fear and pressure. Without getting the proper recognition and guidance from their parents, teens are left to the mercies and wisdom of their peers and the media. If that doesn't scare you, nothing will.

One of the points she makes repeatedly (it's worth repeating, actually), is one that's easy to forget. Teens look grown up on the outside, but on the inside, they're not.  All too often we as parents are too quick to back off and leave too much up to them - yes, I'm including myself in this. The teenage years are full of drama. It's exhausting for both the child and the parents. I have terrific kids, no question about it, but I sure wish I'd found this book six or seven years ago, I think it would have helped things go a little more smoothly than they have at times.

A paragraph that really hit me:
"Whatever your fears, marital status, or insecurities, be convinced that your teen needs you. There is a hole in their hearts waiting to be filled by you. If you choose to fill it, your teens will not search elsewhere to have it filled. Do it now. Roll up your sleeves and for the sake of their emotional, intellectual and physical health, begin wherever you can to meet their fundamental needs.
They need your intervention, regardless of how tentative you feel. Be assured that contrary to what you may witness in their behavior at home, they want your genuine involvement. Let's see how we can give all of our teens what they really need from us."

It was an interesting read also in that it helped me to understand why I made some of the choices I made myself as a teenager, choices I wouldn't repeat if I had the option and certainly don't want my children making. Understanding more about who you are and why you are the way you are is always good.

One of the hardest parts about being a parent is just that, being a parent. Always remembering to "be the grown-up." No matter what you child/teen may say, how many buttons they push or how frustrated you are, they desperately need you to stay calm and in control. This can be a challenge at times, as any parent can attest to. If you have toddlers or elementary school age kids, trust me, it gets worse.

It is sometimes hard to remember when your adult - looking teen is losing it (or even just rolling his/her eyes every time you speak), that you have to maintain the same calm and loving demeanor you did when they were three years old and having a tantrum - and basically for the same reason. They need to be reassured that you are in control, that you love them and that you expect them to adhere to certain standards, whether their friends think they should or not and whether they want to or not.

Teenagers can be insulting and hurtful in ways that a three year old isn't capable of, and being able to maintain calm and not react to what they're saying is tough sometimes. I can't tell you how many times in the past nine years I've locked myself in the bathroom or my room chanting to myself "I'm the grown-up, I'm the grown-up," until I was calm enough to come out and engage again. "I can't talk to you about this, but it's not over," has been one of my stand by phrases for a while now.

The locking myself away to calm down is something I didn't have to do from about age four to eleven and thought (ha!) I was done with. Not that I've managed perfection, there have definitely been a few chances for me to apologize for losing my temper and yelling right back at them, although fortunately it's been the exception rather than the rule (thanks to divine intervention, believe it!).

So much for my quickie post! If you have teens or will have teens or just want to understand how to help other teens in your life or even yourself better, read this book!